I have since my mid 20’s. It seems to get worse at night and sometimes turn into panic attacks. Just the other day I was in a store and Bobby was on one side of me and Pixie on the other and I was in a corner. Since I was wearing a mask it heightened the anxiety and I felt I couldn’t breathe. In a panic I tried to get out of the area to have space. Although it only took a second for them to move it’s as if time changed to slow motion and every sound got louder and the room got smaller! I finally escaped to the outside of the store, ripped off my mask and started breathing in and out to try and calm myself.
Most of the time my anxiety is a restless feeling of always wanting to do more, be more… which in many ways is a blessing, but that energy has also left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
Garth Brooks recently said there is a blessing and a curse to everything.
You may have the blessing of doing more and being more, but you’ll also have the curse of doing more and being more and the responsibilities that attach to that identity.
Another wise man named Dave Ramsey said in a recent podcast that it’s hard for the warrior to rest after the war is over.
He’s referring to the struggle. The struggle to survive financially. I like to think of this quote and also add the struggle to fit in, to feel worthy, the struggle to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, Christian, artist, business owner, etc. Its overwhelming and guilt ridden. It can be the thing that drives you or the thing that tears you down.
So many times in my life I’ve made choices based on what I think someone else would want me to do. I made choices on what was easy and comfortable.
I’ve realized as I make bigger choices the anxiety is still present. It can keep me second guessing every life choice I’ve made and going down a rabbit hole that helps no one and also makes me feel a little insane.
And in the same breath I treasure the anxiety because I know it fills my soul with energy and an overwhelming feeling of urgency… that I am made for so many great things by our Creator. Almost as if the quicker I can get through lessons the faster I can get to another set of challenges, goals, and bigger realized dreams.
But… what is life if only an endless to do list.
What is life if you don’t take time to rest and be still from time to time. To listen to God’s lead. To take it all in…. to actually stop and celebrate how far you’ve come and to be grateful for the one who gave it all to you in the first place.
My new prayer the past few months has been for God to fill me with overwhelming inspiration and to help me rest and to find ways to handle my anxiety. Maybe not get rid of it totally as I think it has a big purpose in my life… but to continue to inspire me with a sense of urgency to do great things. And… learning to sit in the sand and just create like I am in this picture.
As I have watched the world change over the past several months in every way, it’s given me a new perspective. We are all just here passing through for a very short time.
If you were told you only had THIS year… what would you do? Where would you go? What are those big, scary, anxiety filled dreams you think of that will never happen?!?
What if those big, scary dreams COULD happen? Would it be worth trying? I think so… I think God wants us to continue to grow, push ourselves… even when it may make us uncomfortable or give us anxiety.
What would be the very first baby step you could do this week towards that goal?